Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

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  • Type: Movie
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The story involves the denizens of the planet Mars, including Momar ("Mom Martian") and Kimar ("King Martian") who are worried that their children Girmar ("Girl Martian") and Bomar ("Boy Martian") are watching too much Earth television, most notably station KID's interview with Santa Claus in his workshop at the North Pole. Consulting the ancient 800-year old Martian sage Chochem, they are advised that the children of Mars are growing distracted due to the society's overly rigid structure; from infancy, all their education is fed into their brains through machines, and they are not allowed individuality or freedom of thought. Chochem sadly notes that he had seen this coming "for centuries", and states that the only way to help the children is to allow them to have freedom, to be allowed to have fun. To do this, they need a Santa Claus figure, like on Earth. Leaving the sage's dwelling, the Martian leaders decide to kidnap Santa Claus from Earth and bring him to Mars to make toys for the children of their planet. --- Santa Claus Claus Conquers the Martians Screenplay by Glenville Martin Based on a story by Paul L. Jacobson From the 1964 film --- INTERIOR, MARTIAN HOME --- [WE SEE A NEWSCASTER TALKING ON A TV SCREEN] KID TV ANNOUNCER At this time, station KID TV brings you the special event of the year, a first in television history. At this very moment, KID TV has standing by a television crew at Santa Claus' workshop. [THE CAMERA BEGINS TO PAN AWAY FROM THE TV] KID TV ANNOUNCER And in just a few seconds, our special correspondent Andy Henderson will bring you a person to person interview with Santa Claus himself, direct from the North Pole, where at the moment, the temperature is 91 degrees below zero. [THE CAMERA REVEALS TWO MARTIAN CHILDREN WATCHING TV, BOMAR and GIRMAR] KID TV ANNOUNCER And now KID TV takes you via Telstar, Andy Henderson at the North Pole. --- EXTERIOR, NORTH POLE --- [HENDERSON HOLDS A MICROPHONE AND STANDS IN FRONT OF SANTA'S WORKSHOP. HE IS SHIVERING] HENDERSON Hi kids! This is Andy Henderson, at the North Pole! Whoo, it's cold up here! From this spot, there's only one direction you can go, and that's south! [LAUGHS] Livin' up here is pretty rough - I don't see how Santa stands it. Since we've been here, we've eaten nothing but frozen food - at least that's the way it is by the time we get it! [LAUGHS] And now, let's take a looksie into Santa's workshop! --- INTERIOR, SANTA'S WORKSHOP --- [HENDERSON ENTERS THE WORKSHOP, WHERE NUMEROUS ELVES ARE SITTING AT TABLES MAKING TOYS] HENDERSON Hello again! Boys and girls, it's just weeks before Christmas and Santa and his helpers are working overtime to make sure that there's enough toys for the kids all over the world. Santa's a pretty busy man, but I'm sure he'd like to say a few words to you kids. [HENDERSON APPROACHES SANTA] HENDERSON Hello, Santa! SANTA Oh, hello, son. [NOTICES THE CAMERA] Oh, oh! Oh, hello boys and girls! [LAUGHS] Oh Andy, you've caught me at a very busy time. HENDERSON Well, uh, do you think you'll be ready by Christmas Eve? SANTA Well we've never disappointed the kids yet! [THEY BOTH LAUGH. THERE IS A LOT OF LAUGHING IN THIS MOVIE] HENDERSON Tell me is it true that this year, there's a rumor that you're going to use a rocket sled? SANTA Nosiree! We're going out the good old-fashioned way, with my reindeer Prancer and Dancer and Dunder and Blitzen and Vixen and Nixon, uh - Nixon, now where did I get that - well, consarn it, I get those named mixed up, but the kids know their names! [MRS. CLAUS ENTERS. SHE DOES NOT NOTICE THE TV CAMERA] MRS. CLAUS Santa! There you are! We have so much to do! And you stand here dawdling, talking to this visitor. SANTA Mr. Henderson, this is Mrs. Claus. [TO MRS CLAUS] Oh, dear, we're on television. MRS. CLAUS How do you do, Mr. Henderson? HENDERSON [NODS] Ma'am. MRS. CLAUS Now dear, I want you to go and finish painting those hobby-horses! [MRS. CLAUS NOTICES THE CAMERA] MRS. CLAUS Television? Did you say we're on television? Oh! Oh dear! Why didn't you tell me? Oh, my hair's a mess! [NERVOUS, SHE WAVES AT THE CAMERA] MRS. CLAUS Hello there! Ohhhh! [EXCITED, SHE RUNS OFF. SANTA AND HENDERSON LAUGH] SANTA Come along, Mr. Henderson, and I'll show you some of the new toys we're turning out. [SANTA LEADS HENDERSON TO TABLES FULL OF ELVES WORKING. SANTA APPROACHES ONE OF THE ELVES] SANTA How's it going, Winky? WINKY Everything is A-OK, Santa! SANTA Good man! [TO HENDERSON] Winky is in charge of our space department. Oh, now here, here is the latest toy rocket. It runs on real rocket fuel. HENDERSON Really? [HENDERSON PICKS UP A MARTIAN DOLL] HENDERSON I've been wondering, what is this strange little creature over here? SANTA Oh, Winky made that. That's his idea of a Martian. HENDERSON A Martian?! Wowie wow, I'd hate to meet a creature like that on a dark night. [SANTA LAUGHS] HENDERSON I wonder if there really are people on Mars. SANTA Well, who knows? HENDERSON Well if there are, I hope they have someone up there like you, Santa, to bring joy and good cheer to all the Martian children! SANTA Oh, Mr. Henderson...[LAUGHS SHYLY] Keep going, Winky! Christmas Eve is coming soon. Now Mr. Henderson, I want to show you some more... [SANTA'S VOICE FADES OUT AS WE DISSOLVE TO] --- INTERIOR, MARTIAN HOME --- [KIMAR ENTERS. HE WEARS A CAPE AND HAS ANTENNAE ON HIS HEAD, AS MARTIANS DO] KIMAR Dropo? Dropo, you lazy good-for-nothing, where are you? [KIMAR NOTICES DROPO SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR, AND PRODS HIM WITH SOME KIND OF RAY] KIMAR Dropo. Dropo, wake up! Wake up! [DROPO STARTS LAUGHING MANIACALLY] DROPO Turn it off! Turn off that tickle ray! KIMAR Stand up. Stand up! [DROPO GETS TO HIS FEET AND SALUTES] DROPO I'm sorry chief Kimar, sir! KIMAR Dropo, you are the laziest man on Mars! Why are you sleeping during working hours? DROPO I wasn't sleeping, chief! It's just that I haven't been able to sleep these last few nights. I forgot how! So I was just practicing! [DROPO LAUGHS. KIMAR CHUCKLES GRIMLY] KIMAR Well I suggest you practice doing your work! [DROPO SALUTES] KIMAR Where is Lady Momar? DROPO Oh she went to the food pill center to get some new food pills. The children haven't been eating well - no appetite at all! KIMAR It's no wonder. They sit in front of the video set all day watching those ridiculous Earth programs. It confuses them! Where are they? DROPO there...watching Earth programs. [KIMAR ENTERS THE CHILDREN'S ROOM. BOMAR AND GIRMAR, TWO MARTIAN CHILDREN, ARE WATCHING TV] HENDERSON (ON TV) Say Santa, what have we here? SANTA (ON TV) These are new dolls. Now this little doll walks, talks, cries, and she even sings! HENDERSON (ON TV) Almost like a real, live, little girl. SANTA (ON TV) That she is, sir. That she is. All she needs is tender loving care. GIRMAR Bomar, what is a 'doll?' BOMAR I don't know, Girmar. What is 'tender loving care?' GIRMAR I don't know either! KIMAR Bomar, Girmar! I told you not to watch those silly Earth programs. Now go to sleep! GIRMAR Must we go to sleep now, father? I want to see Santa Claus some more. BOMAR I want to see more toys. KIMAR No, go to sleep! [THE CHILDREN GET UP AND CLIMB INTO THEIR MARTIAN BEDS. IN THE OUTER ROOM, DROPO IS RANDOMLY FLIPPING SWITCHES. LADY MOMAR ENTERS] MOMAR Hello Dropo. I see you're keeping busy. DROPO Oh I've been working very hard, Lady Momar. I've been vacuuming the room. MOMAR Good. Is the master here? DROPO [POINTS AT THE BEDROOM] He's in there - and Kimar's very angry too. [KIMAR ENTERS] MOMAR Kimar, I bought some new food pills. I hope the children will eat these. [SHE GESTURES TO A SERIES OF TINY PILLS IN GLASS VIALS] MOMAR We have hamburger, buttered asparagus, mashed potatoes, and a special treat for them: chocolate layer cake pills. KIMAR Momar, I'm worried about our children. MOMAR So am I - they've hardly eaten a thing in three days. KIAMR It goes deeper than that. They're behaving strangely, they appear to be troubled, they don't care to sleep! I had to use the sleep spray on them again. I mentioned this to my council chiefs today and I learned it's the same with children all around the planet, in every district. Something is happening to the children of Mars. MOMAR Kimar, as leader of the Martians you must do something about it. KIMAR I know. But what? MOMAR Why don't you go to the forest and see Chochem the Ancient One? He'll know what to do! He's never failed you. KIMAR You speak wisely. I will go. [KIMAR TOUCHES A RADIO ON HIS BELT] KIMAR Attention, Council Chiefs. Please report. [THE REPORTS COME THROUGH HIS RADIO] LOMAS (VOICE) Lomas reporting. RIGNA (VOICE) Rigna reporting. HARGO (VOICE) Hargo here. KIMAR Voldar? Voldar, please report! VOLDAR (VOICE) Voldar reporting. KIMAR Gentlemen of the council, we will meet immediately at Chochem's Chair in Thunder Forest. VOLDAR (VOICE) What's wrong now, Kimar? KIMAR I don't know Voldar, but I mean to find out. --- EXTERIOR, CHOCHEM'S CHAIR --- [STRANGE ROCKS AND GROWTH ON THE MARTIAN SURFACE. LOMAS, RIGNA, HARGO, & VOLDAR ENTER] VOLDAR Where's Kimar? HARGO He should be here any moment. VOLDAR What's this all about? HARGO We'll find out when Kimar arrives. We are probably going to see the advice of Chochem. VOLDAR What does Kimar thing we are, a kindergarten class? Can't we make our own decisions? Must we always come crawling to that doddering old man? RIGNA Chochem is 800 years old. You can't dismiss the wisdom of centuries. VOLDAR I can. [KIMAR ENTERS] KIMAR Gentlemen. Thank you for coming. [KIMAR TURNS TO FACE A ROCK FORMATION] KIMAR Chochem! Chochem are you here? Ancient one of Mars, I call upon you. Chochem it is I, Kimar, and the Council chiefs! We need you, Chochem! [CHOCHEM APPEARS IN A BURST OF SMOKE. HE LOOKS & SOUNDS QUITE OLD] CHOCHEM You called me, Kimar? KIMAR We need your advice, Chochem. Something is wrong with our children. They eat not, they sleep not. Their only interest is watching meaningless Earth programs on the video. CHOCHEM What time of year is it now? KIMAR It is the middle of Septober. CHOCHEM No, no, not here. I mean on Earth. Ah is early December on Earth. Close to the time of the Christmas. That explains it. VOLDAR What is a 'Christmas?' CHOCHEM It is an occasion for great joy and peace on the planet Earth. And for children, it is also a time of anticipation as they await the arrival of Santa Claus and his gifts. VOLDAR Bah! What nonsense. KIMAR What has this to do with our children, Ancient One? CHOCHEM We have no children on Mars! They have children's bodies, but with adult minds. They do not have a childhood. I've seen this coming for centuries. They are born - our electronic teaching machines are attached to their brains while they are in their cradles. Information is fed into their minds in a constant stream. And by the time they can walk - they are adults! They've never played! They've never learned to have fun! And now, now they are rebelling! KIMAR What do you advise? CHOCHEM The children must be allowed to be children again. They must learn to play. They must learn what it means to have fun. We need a Santa Claus on Mars! [CHOCHEM DISAPPEARS IN A PUFF OF SMOKE] LOMAS Santa Claus on Mars? RIGNA Where will we get a Santa Claus? KIMAR There's only one Santa Claus and he's on earth. [VOLDAR LAUGHS, AND THEN IS SILENCED BY A LOOK FROM KIMAR] VOLDAR Well, I guess that takes care of that. Didn't I tell you it was a foolish idea to seek advice from that old man? KIMAR This is a serious matter, Voldar! And desperate problems require desperate deeds. Earth has had Santa Claus long enough! We will bring him to Mars. VOLDAR I'm against it! Our children are fine the way they are. I don't want any Santa Claus bringing them toys and games. They'll start playing and laughing and running underfoot. They'll become a nuisance! KIMAR I've made my decision! We leave for Earth tonight! Rigna, Lomas - prepare Spaceship number One. [SPACESHIP NUMBER ONE TAKES OFF] --- INTERIOR, SPACESHIP CONTROL ROOM --- [RIGNA, HARGO, VOLDAR, AND KIMAR SIT AT A CONTROL PANEL IN FRONT OF AN OCTAGONAL WINDOW] KIMAR Approaching projected Earth orbit. Fire portside rockets number one and number two. VOLDAR Portside rockets number one and number two, fire! [THE ROCKETS FIRE] KIMAR Entering Earth orbit. Alright Voldar, now to find Santa Claus. Turn on your magnoscope to third power. [THEY ADJUST DIALS AND STARE AT A SMALL SCREEN] KIMAR We're over a city of some kind. [THE MAGNOSCOPE SHOWS NEW YORK CITY] VOLDAR So that's what the Earth people call a city, eh? How primitive. Look at all those buildings above ground. Why we could destroy that city with one blast of our Q ray! KIMAR We did not come here to destroy anyone. Our only purpose is to bring Santa Claus back to Mars. Turn to fifth power. Let's see if we can locate Santa Claus. He wears a red suit trimmed with white fur and he has a long white beard. VOLDAR But there are millions of people down there! It's like looking for a speck of space dust in a comet's tail. Wait a minute - I see him! I see Santa Claus! [THE MAGNOSCOPE SHOWS A SANTA CLAUS ON THE SIDEWALK SOLICITING DONATIONS] KIMAR I see him too! VOLDAR He's standing on the corner ringing a bell! KIMAR No he's not! [KIMAR'S SCREEN SHOWS A DIFFERENT SANTA CLAUS] KIMAR He's standing near the entrance to a large building next to a large black kettle. VOLDAR [IMPATIENT] He's standing on the corner, Kimar, he's - wait a minute! I see another one! KIMAR Why there are hundreds of Santa Clauses down there! VOLDAR And we're gonna bring them all back with us to Mars? KIMAR Just one. And with so many, they won't miss one. Prepare for landing on next orbit! --- INTERIOR, TV STUDIO --- NEWSCASTER We interrupt our program with a special bulletin. An unidentified object has been spotted in orbit around the Earth. The Soviet Union denies it has launched any new space satellite. Our radar stations are tracking the spaceship, or whatever it is. The US Air Force has alerted all defense commands and retaliatory units. Stay tuned for further bulletins. [A MONTAGE OF AIR FORCE OFFICERS TALKING, COMPUTERS, BALD MEN ON TELEPHONES, ROCKETS BEING RAISED INTO POSITION] --- INTERIOR, SPACESHIP CONTROL ROOM --- [RIGNA ENTERS] RIGNA Sir, Earth radar beams are bouncing off our ship. VOLDAR Well, it certainly took them long enough. KIMAR Voldar, turn on the radar shield. [VOLDAR FLIPS SOME SWITCHES AND FROWNS] VOLDAR Misfunctioning of radar shield! KIMAR Rigna, check the radar box. [RIGNA OPENS THE RADAR SHIELD PANEL] VOLDAR Radar shield functioning. What was wrong, Rigna? [RIGNA PULLS DROPO FROM THE RADAR SHIELD BOX] RIGNA A slight case of Dropo. DROPO Hi chief. KIMAR What are you doing here, Dropo? DROPO Oh, well, Chief, I went to the launching pad so I could say goodbye to you, and I remembered: I've never been to Earth! So I thought I'dKIMAR I may leave you there in place of Santa Claus! Now get below! I'll deal with you later! [DROPO BUMBLES ABOUT, AND GRABS SOME CONTROLS, SHAKING THE ENTIRE SHIP] KIMAR Dropo, get below quickly! DROPO Yes Chief! I'm sorry! [DROPO EXITS] KIMAR Prepare to land. We'll set down in that field near the lake. RIGNA Rocket silencer set. VOLDAR Roto rockets number one and two - fire! [THE SHIP SHAKES BRIEFLY] VOLDAR All this trouble over a fat little man in a red suit. --- INTERIOR, TV STUDIO --- NEWSCASTER Here is another UFO bulletin. The Defense department has just announced that the unidentified flying object has suddenly disappeared from our radar screens. They believe the object has either disintegrated in space or it may be a spaceship from some other planet, which has the ability to nullify our radar beams. Because of the ominous situation, the president has ordered the Strategic Air Command into action. [MONTAGE OF SIRENS, MEN CLIMBING INTO PLANES, FIGHTER JETS TAKING OFF, THE USUAL] --- INTERIOR, SPACESHIP CONTROL ROOM --- KIMAR Fire retro rockets number five and six. VOLDAR Retro rockets five and six - fire. [ROCKETS FIRE. A MACHINE BEGINS BEEPING WILDLY. NO ONE SEEMS CONCERNED] KIMAR Lower landing legs. [RIGNA PULLS TWO SETS OF LEVERS WITH GREAT CONCENTRATION] RIGNA Landing legs lowered. KIMAR Attention crew, this is Kimar. When we've landed, Rigna, Voldar, and I will leave the ship to investigate. Hargo, Lomas, and Dropo will stay on board on constant alert for immediate blast-off. [THE SHIP LANDS] --- EXTERIOR, PARK --- [TWO CHILDREN, BILLY AND BETTY, ARE LISTENING TO A PORTABLE RADIO UNDERNEATH A TREE] NEWSCASTER (ON RADIO) The Defense Department believe that the object spotted on our radar screens might have been nothing more than a meteor which burned up when it entered our atmosphere. Professor Werner Von Green, our leading space expert, is still convinced it was a Martian spaceship. Stay tuned for further bulletins. BETTY Billy, what does a Martian look like? BILLY I don't know - nobody's ever seen one. BETTY I don't believe there are any Martians. BILLY You don't, huh? What would you do if a Martian walked right up behind you? BETTY I'd scream! [THE MARTIANS WALK RIGHT UP BEHIND THEM. BETTY SCREAMS] BILLY Aw, stop fooling around, Betty. I'm trying to sleep. BETTY I see a Martian! BILLY Boy, you and your imagination. Come on, let's go home. [BILLY GETS UP AND SEE THE MARTIANS, WHO DRAW THEIR RAY GUNS ON HIM] BILLY Who, who are you? KIMAR We are from Mars. Don't be afraid. We have children just like you on Mars. BETTY What are those funny things sticking out of your head? RINGA Those are our antennae. BETTY Are you a television set? BILLY Shhh! [KIMAR LAUGHS] VOLDAR Stupid question. Is this what you want to do to our children on Mars? Turn them into nincompoops like these? KIMAR Hold your tongue, Voldar. What's your name, little boy? BILLY Billy. Billy Foster, sir. And this is my sister Betty. KIMAR Perhaps you can help us, Billy. We're looking for one of your Santa Clauses. BILLY There's only one Santa Claus. RIGNA We've seen many of them in your cities. BILLY Oh. Those are his helpers. There's only one real Santa Claus, and he's in his workshop up at the North Pole. RIGNA That's what we came here to find out. Let's go. [VOLDAR GRABS THE TWO CHILDREN] VOLDAR Come on, you two! BETTY Let me go! BILLY Where are you taking us? KIMAR Leave them alone, Voldar! VOLDAR What? And leave them here to inform the authorities? RIGNA He's right Kimar, we'd better take them along with us to the North Pole. KIMAR Very well. Come along. [KIMAR HELPS THE TWO CHILDREN AS THEY LEAVE] --- INTERIOR, TV STUDIO --- NEWSCASTER This morning two children disappeared mysteriously from the vicinity of Welch lake. The police have found no clues, and it seems as though Billy and Betty Foster have simply vanished into thin air. This appears to be a day when everything is vanishing into thin air. While local police are continuing their search for the missing children, the Armed Forces are continuing their search for the mysterious object from space. [FOOTAGE OF AIRPLANES REFUELING, WHICH HAS LITTLE TO DO WITH THE SEARCH FOR A SPACESHIP] --- INTERIOR, SPACESHIP CONTROL ROOM --- [DROPO POKES HIS HEAD IN, THEN ENTERS WITH THE CHILDREN] Dropo All right Billy and Betty, nobody's here, come on in. BILLY Golly! DROPO Now I'm not supposed to bring you here - the Chief's gonna be awful mad if he finds us. BILLY Boy, wait'll the kids at home find out I was in a real Martian spaceship! [BILLY REACHES OUT TO TOUCH AN INSTRUMENT] DROPO No, now don't touch anything! Now here, that's the anti-gravity generator. And these are the retro rockets. BILLY Does this light up? DROPO Only when the radar waves are bouncing off our ship. Then we put up this radar screen, and nobody can find us in space! BILLY Boy, that's pretty sharp! [BETTY POINTS AT A BUTTON] BETTY What's this, Dropo? DROPO Oh, that's the elevator signal. That light starts flashing when somebody is coming up from the navigation deck. [THE BUTTON STARTS FLASHING] DROPO Oh, oh, oh! BILLY Somebody's coming up! We better get out of here! DROPO Oh, no, no, no, there's no time for that! Oh, uh, I'm in trouble, uh, let's hide! In here, here. [DROPO LIFTS THE COVER OF THE RADAR SHIELD CONTROL PANEL] DROPO In here, quick! [THE CHILDREN CLIMB IN. DROPO IS TERRIBLY NERVOUS AS KIMAR, RIGNA, HARGO, & VOLDAR ENTER. VOLDAR GLARES AT DROPO, WHO IS EXAMINING THE RADAR PANEL. DROPO LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] VOLDAR Thinking of taking another nap in the radar box, Dropo? DROPO Oh, no sir! As a matter of fact, I was just looking in there to remind myself never to hide in there again! VOLDAR I bet! [VOLDAR SHOVES DROPO TOWARD THE DOOR AND STARTS TO LOOK IN THE BOX] KIMAR Approaching North Pole. [VOLDAR CLOSES THE BOX AND SITS DOWN AT HIS STATION] KIMAR I can see Santa Claus' workshop. Prepare for landing. Hargo, set the rocket silencers. Dropo, you stay aboard and guard those children. They must not leave the ship now. VOLDAR Now? Or ever? KIMAR What do you mean, Voldar? VOLDAR If we take them with us to Mars, Santa's disappearance would remain a mystery. No one on Earth would ever know that Santa Claus was kidnapped by Martians. [BETTY AND BILLY PEEK OUT OF THE RADAR BOX] KIMAR Perhaps you're right. Dropo, get back to those children and don't let them out of your sight! Understand? DROPO Yes sir, I understand. I'll keep an eye on 'em! [DROPO EXITS, GLANCING AT THE RADAR BOX] RINGA We've landed. KIMAR Secure the ship. Lomas, you remain on guard and have the ship ready for an immediate blastoff. Rigna, Hargo, Voldar, you'll accompany me. Come, we'll activate Torg. VOLDAR Torg? To capture a roly-poly little man like Santa Claus? We don't need Torg. KIMAR We won't take any chances. Come, nothing can stop Torg. [THE MARTIANS EXIT. BILLY AND BETTY CLIMB OUT FROM THE RADAR BOX] BETTY They're going to kidnap Santa Claus. And us too! BILLY Not if we can help it! We've got to get out of here and warn Santa! BETTY What's a 'Torg?' BILLY I don't know...but I'm not afraid of it. It's not going to stop us. Come on. [THEY START TO LEAVE] BILLY Wait Betty! [BILLY TURNS AND PULLS OUT SOME WIRES IN THE RADAR BOX] BETTY Why did you do that? BILLY If this ship ever leaves Earth, they'll have the whole US Space Force after them! Come on - wait a minute! [BILLY CLOSES THE LID TO THE RADAR BOX] BILLY Come on. --- EXTERIOR, SPACESHIP --- [BILLY AND BETTY CLIMB DOWN A LADDER FROM THE MARTIAN SHIP] BILLY Come on Betty! [THE MARTIANS EMERGE FROM THE SHIP, AND WIELD LARGE RAY GUNS] KIMAR This action must take place swiftly. We can't afford to make any mistakes. Hargo, you cover the rear of the workshop. Rigna, Voldar, cover the front entrance. I'll direct Torg. RIGNA Voldar isn't here. [VOLDAR CLIMBS DOWN THE LADDER AND EMERGES BEHIND THEM] KIMAR Rigna, go up and tell Voldar - [KIMAR SEES VOLDAR] KIMAR Voldar, this is another one of your delaying tactics. You've been opposing me at every turn. Now I'm warning you: change your attitude! VOLDAR You finished, "Chief?" KIMAR Yes I am, and you will be too if you're not careful. VOLDAR Oh, but I am careful, "Chief." So careful that I looked in at the children before I left the ship. KIMAR You stay away from those children! VOLDAR That'll be easy to do. They've escaped! KIMAR Voldar, if this is your idea of a joke - VOLDAR Ask Dropo! They overheard our plans! At this very moment, they're on their way to Santa Claus to warn him. RIGNA It's true Kimar - their footprints! KIMAR We must stop them! Those children mustn't reach Santa Claus! Follow them! I'll out Torg on their trail. [KIMAR ACTIVATES A SWITCH ON HIS BELT] KIMAR Torg! Come - out - of - the - spaceship. Torg! Come - out - of - the - spaceship! --- EXTERIOR, NORTH POLE --- [BILLY AND BETTY RUN THROUGH THE SNOW] BETTY Billy, I can't run anymore. I'm cold, and I'm tired. And it's beginning to snow! BETTY Please, Betty! Try! We've got to warn Santa - we can't stop now - they might catch us! BETTY Where is Santa? BILLY I don't know - his workshop must be somewhere around here. Betty, look! [BILLY SEES VOLDAR IN THE DISTANCE] BILLY It's Voldar! BETTY He's the mean one! The one who doesn't like us! BILLY Come on! [THE KIDS HIDE IN A SMALL ICE CAVE. VOLDAR PAUSES, THEN WALKS TO THE CAVE. BILLY MOTIONS FOR BETTY TO BE QUIET. VOLDAR IS ABOUT TO LOOK IN THE CAVE WHEN HE HEARS A NOISE. A MAN IN A POLAR BEAR SUIT...I MEAN, A 'POLAR BEAR' APPROACHES. VOLDAR EXITS. THE KIDS LEAVE THE CAVE] BILLY He ran away! But boy, that was a narrow escape. BETTY Why did he run away? BILLY I don't know. [BILLY SEES THE POLAR BEAR] BETTY Uh-oh! [THE KIDS CLIMB BACK INTO THE CAVE. THE BEAR APPROACHES THE CAVE AND CLAWS AT THE KIDS, BUT CANNOT REACH THEM. IT LEAVES] BILLY Don't move, Betty. I'll go take a look. [BILLY CRAWLS OUT OF THE CAVE] BILLY It's alright now, Betty, come on. BETTY I'm cold. I wish it wouldn't snow. BILLY That's the best thing that could happen! It'll cover our tracks and be hard for the Martians to find us! BETTY And it'll be hard for us to find Santa's workshop. I'm scared. BILLY We'll find it! Which way is North? [THE KIDS LOOK AROUND. BETTY POINTS AT A LIGHT IN THE DISTANCE] BETTY I see it! I see it - Santa's workshop! BILLY Where? BETTY Right there! See the lights? BILLY Where? The lights...are moving! [THE LIGHTS MOVE TOWARD THEM. IT IS THE ROBOT TORG, AS MENACING AS A ROBOT MADE OF CARDBOARD CAN BE] BETTY They're coming towards us. BILLY Betty, that's not Santa's house. BETTY What? What is it? BILLY I don't know. [THE CHILDREN STARE, TOO FRIGHTENED TO MOVE AS TORG LUMBERS TOWARDS THEM. IT GRABS BOTH CHILDREN. VOLDAR RUSHES IN] VOLDAR Good work, Torg! Now destroy them! Crush them! Crush them Torg! Do as I say! [KIMAR AND HARGO ENTER] KIMAR Voldar! I knew you'd try something like this! I set Torg's controls so he will obey only me. Release them, Torg! [TORG RELEASES THE CHILDREN] KIMAR You were very lucky! Now don't try to escape again! You may not be so lucky next time! Hargo! Take them back to the ship, lock them up, and rejoin us. BILLY You won't get away with this, you, you Martian! [HARGO LEAVES WITH THE CHILDREN] KIMAR Danger grows with every minute. Let's get Santa Claus and blast off! We'll surround the workshop and send Torg in to get Santa. Nobody is to be harmed unless they get in our way. VOLDAR Bah - 'No one is to be harmed.' What has happened to the great warriors of our planet? Mars used to be the planet of war! Mark my words, Kimar - your softness will destroy us! Santa Claus, toys, games, laughing children! KIMAR Well we shall see! But for now - to your posts! Torg, follow me! --- EXTERIOR, SANTA'S WORKSHOP --- [KIMAR PEERS IN THE WINDOW. SANTA AND THE ELVES ARE HARD AT WORK] KIMAR Get him, Torg! --- INTERIOR, SANTA'S WORKSHOP --- [TORG BREAKS DOWN THE DOOR AND KNOCKS OVER A TABLE. WINKY RUSHES AT TORG] WINKY You can't come in here! No one's allowed! [TORG PICKS UP WINKY WHEN SANTA MOVES IN] SANTA [TO TORG] Well! Where did you come from? You're the biggest toy I've ever seen! [TORG PUTS WINKY DOWN AND STANDS AT ATTENTION] SANTA And very well made, too! --- EXTERIOR, SANTA'S WORKSHOP --- KIMAR By the great dog star, Santa's treating him like a toy! Get him, Torg, grab him! RIGNA He's become a toy. KIMAR Rigna, we'll have to get Santa ourselves. Come on, Voldar! --- INTERIOR, SANTA'S WORKSHOP --- [KIMAR, RIGNA, AND VOLDAR RUSH INTO SANTA'S WORKSHOP. SANTA SEEMS NONPLUSSED, AND LAUGHS] SANTA What have we here? More toys? WINKY Those are Martians! KIMAR Santa Claus, you're coming with us! WINKY No! You can't take him now! It's too near Christmas. VOLDAR Quiet, you! WINKY But- [VOLDAR FIRES A 'RAY GUN' THAT IS SUSPICIOUSLY SIMILAR TO A WHAMMO AIR BLASTER. IT FREEZES WINKY, AND ANOTHER ELF, IN THEIR TRACKS] KIMAR We don't want to hurt you, Santa Claus, so come along quietly. [SANTA LOOKS AT HIS ELVES SADLY] SANTA Why? Why did you have to do that to my helpers? KIMAR It's harmless. It'll wear off in a short while. SANTA Oh. Well, why didn't you say so in the first place? KIMAR Now you come with us - we need you on Mars! [SANTA WAVES HIS HAND IN FRONT OF A MOTIONLESS ELF'S FACE] SANTA Are you sure this is harmless? [MRS. CLAUS ENTERS] MRS. CLAUS Oh! I never saw such lazy people! Standing around like statues! There's work to be done! Let's get to it! [RIGNA FIRES HIS RAY GUN AT MRS. CLAUS. SHE FREEZES] SANTA Oh me oh my, oh me oh...oh, Mrs. Claus is going to be very angry about this. KIMAR Take him, Torg. Torg! Take him! [TORG DOES NOT MOVE] KIMAR Obey my command. VOLDAR Forget it, Kimar! Rigna was right - he's nothing but a toy now. Best to leave him here. SANTA Believe me, I had nothing whatsoever to do about this. You know, my dear, I can't recall a time when you were so silent for so long! VOLDAR Let's go, old man! [THE MARTIANS LEAD SANTA OUT OF HIS WORKSHOP. SHOTS OF NEWSPAPERS FROM ALL AROUND THE WORLD FILL THE SCREEN, WITH HEADLINES LIKE "SANTA CLAUS KIDNAPPED BY MARTIANS" and "MARTIANS KIDNAP SANTA CLAUS"] --- INTERIOR, TV STUDIO --- NEWSCASTER ...and Mrs. Santa Claus has positively identified the kidnappers as Martians. Never in the history of mankind have the nations of the world reacted with such unanimity and cooperation. Tonight, the lights will burn until dawn in the United Nations building as the leaders of the world map a course of action. And, at Cape Kennedy, our correspondent interviewed Werner Von Green, the man in charge of America's star-shot program. CORRESPONDENT Mr. Von Green, what is the space agency doing about this? VON GREEN [SPEAKS WITH A GERMAN ACCENT] Well, we have mobilized all the men and equipment in our star-shot project. And we have rushed our astronauts into an extensive program for the final phase of their training. Now, our starshot ship is supposed to undergo six months of test flights, but we are going to forget about the testing, und go after those Martian monkeys! CORRESPONDENT Isn't that risky? VON GREEN Of course it is risky. But every one of our astronauts is begging for the chance to go after the Martians. Who wouldn't give everything to bring Santa back to our children? [MONTAGE OF ROCKETS BEING LAUNCHED, NASA CONTROLLERS, MEN WITH CREW CUTS WEARING GLASSES, ETC] --- INTERIOR, SPACESHIP CONTROL ROOM --- [RIGNA IS HUNCHED OVER A CONTROL PANEL] RIGNA Earth hasn't reacted yet. KIMAR No radar beams being bounced off our ship. Looks like we've made a clean getaway! [HARGO ENTERS, LAUGHING] KIMAR How's our captive? HARGO He's having the time of his life! He's such a funny little man. Why I've only been with him for five minutes and he has me laughing just like an earthling! [LAUGHS] What's soft, and round, and - and you put it on a stick and you toast it in a fire? And it's green! KIMAR I don't know - what? HARGO [LAUGHING VERY HARD] A Martian-mallow! [ALL THE MARTIANS LAUGH EXCEPT VOLDAR, WHO SHAKES HIS HEAD] VOLDAR That's what you're all becoming - 'Martianmallows.' Soft. Weak. That old man is a menace! --- INTERIOR, SPACESHIP CELL --- [SANTA IS SITTING ON A BUNK WITH BETTY AND BILLY] SANTA ...and it was a very foggy Christmas Eve. Well I could barely make out this chimney in the fog. But I found it alright and I started to crawl in. Well I tell you, it was the biggest chimney I'd ever been in! And then suddenly, suddenly I realized it wasn't a chimney at all! It was the smokestack of the Queen Elizabeth! [SANTA LAUGHS AT HIS OWN JOKE THEN, NOTICING THAT THE CHILDREN ARE NOT LAUGHING, STOPS] SANTA Well don't you think that was funny? BILLY & BETTY (TOGETHER) Yes, Santa. SANTA Well, why don't you laugh? BILLY Gee Santa, it's all our fault. We told them where to find you. SANTA Oh, balderdash and a-fiddle-dee-dee, Billy boy. Everybody knows where Santa lives. Besides, I've always wanted to visit Mars. [DROPO APPEARS AT THE CELL DOOR] BETTY Mommy and Daddy are going to be angry. SANTA You think that's something? I can just see Mrs. Claus now - Christmas coming and I'm not there. She'll have a fit! [LAUGHS WEAKLY] Oh me, oh my, oh me. [DROPO ENTERS] DROPO Come and get it! Dinnertime! SANTA Here's Dropo! If I can't cheer you up, Dropo can! He always makes me laugh! [DROPO HOLDS OUT A PLATE OF PILLS] DROPO Ooh, you'll have a wonderful dinner tonight! Oh there's soup, and beef stew, and chocolate ice cream! BILLY No thank you, Dropo. I'm not hungry. DROPO Come on, Billy. Oh, well, is it alright if I have your chocolate ice cream? BILLY Sure. DROPO Oh, I just love chocolate ice cream. [HE EATS A PILL, AND SIGHS CONTENTEDLY] BETTY Gee, Mars must be a terrible place to live. Some chocolate ice cream... SANTA Pills for dinner, I suppose if a Martian has a headache, he doesn't take pills, he takes chocolate ice cream! [LAUGHS HALF-HEARTEDLY] Oh dear, oh dear. INTERIOR, SPACESHIP CONTROL ROOM [RIGNA LOOKS AT A RADAR SCREEN] RIGNA Kimar, look at this. That small blip is not an asteroid. It's a spaceship and it's on our tail. It's getting closer. KIMAR Impossible, Rigna. They couldn't have spotted us - we have our radar shield on! [VOLDAR OPENS THE RADAR BOX, LOOKS INSIDE] RIGNA I know that, sir, but they are gaining on us! KIMAR Is it possible Earth has a secret device that can penetrate our radar shield? VOLDAR They have a secret device! And his name is Billy Foster! I warned you that these earthlings are dangerous - they'll destroy us if we allow them! Well, I won't allow them. [VOLDAR LEAVES. KIMAR AND RIGNA EXAMINE THE RADAR BOX] KIMAR I think we underestimate the resourcefulness of these Earth people. Very clever of the boy. Make the repairs, Rigna. I'll take evasive action. --- INTERIOR, SPACESHIP CELL --- [VOLDAR ENTERS] VOLDAR Well...and how is Santa and the little earthlings? My, it must be tiresome cooped up in this little room. Say! How would you like to see the rest of the ship? BILLY You're not fooling me. You don't like us. BETTY You're mean! VOLDAR Oh come on now, that's not true. Why, Santa makes everyone feel good - even me! BILLY I don't trust you. SANTA Now, now, Billy boy. That's not the Christmas spirit. Why of course, Voldar, we'd love to take the grand tour. All right, children. [SANTA STANDS UP AND VOLDAR ESCORTS THEM OUT OF THE CELL] --- INTERIOR, SPACESHIP AIRLOCK --- [VOLDAR, SANTA, BILLY, & BETTY ENTER THE AIRLOCK] VOLDAR This room is called the - BILLY Airlock! VOLDAR That's right! BILLY Sure! This is where you come when you're ready to go out in space. It's airtight. You put on your spacesuit and go out through that door! When you come back, the door closes and you pump air back into the room through there. [BILLY POINTS TO A SMALL AIR DUCT] BILLY When it reaches the pressure of the rest of the ship, you can take your spacesuit off. VOLDAR Smart lad! SANTA Where's the control that opens the door, sir? VOLDAR Not here. That's in the control deck. You see, once you pull that switch, the warning bell sounds, and in 60 seconds, that door opens. BILLY That's to give the spacemen a chance to make a final checkup on their equipment. There's no air out in space. If that door were open now, it would pull all the air out of this room, and us with it! VOLDAR You certainly know a great deal about space travel, son. BETTY He's going to be a spaceman when he grows up. VOLDAR [TO HIMSELF] Maybe sooner than that. [VOLDAR SLIPS OUT, CLOSING THE DOOR. BETTY POINTS AT A CLOCK ABOVE THE AIRLOCK DOORS] BETTY Santa, that clock stopped. BILLY Sixty seconds. That must be the door timer. [BILLY NOTICES THE CLOSED DOOR AND TRIES TO OPEN IT] BILLY Santa, he locked us in! SANTA Oh, I don't think so. He probably just stepped out for a moment. BILLY It's locked! I don't trust Voldar! He's not like Kimar and the others! BETTY I don't like him. BILLY I'm worried, Santa! SANTA Now, now, children, let's not get excited. --- INTERIOR, SPACESHIP CONTROL ROOM --- [VOLDAR RUNS IN AND FLIPS A SWITCH MARKED "AIR LOCK DOOR"] VOLDAR [TO HIMSELF} Too late. --- INTERIOR, SPACESHIP AIRLOCK --- [THE COUNTDOWN CLOCK STARTS] BILLY It's Voldar! He's going to open the space door! [BILLY POUNDS ON THE DOOR] BILLY Help, Kimar! Kimar, help! [QUICK CUT TO VOLDAR, SMILING. THE CLOCK IS RUNNING DOWN. BILLY LOOKS AROUND IN FRUSTRATION] BILLY Gee Santa, what are we going to do? What if that door opens? We haven't got a chance! [SANTA EXAMINES THE SMALL AIR VENT] SANTA Where did you say this leads to, Billy? --- INTERIOR, SPACESHIP CONTROL ROOM --- [VOLDAR COUNTS DOWN] VOLDAR Seven. Six. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. Zero! [KIMAR AND DROPO ENTER] KIMAR Who's in the airlock? VOLDAR No! KIMAR What's going on, Voldar? DROPO Chief, Santa and the children are missing. [KIMAR GRABS VOLDAR] KIMAR Where are they? [VOLDAR PUSHES KIMAR AWAY] VOLDAR Drifting around in space. Along with the rest of the space junk! [KIMAR ATTACKS VOLDAR AND THEY FIGHT. KIMAR GETS THE UPPER HAND] KIMAR Before I'm through with you, Voldar, you'll wish you were floating around out there in space! [OFF SCREEN SANTA LAUGHS. KIMAR AND VOLDAR LOOK TO SEE SANTA AND THE KIDS, ALIVE] SANTA Merry Christmas, everyone! KIMAR Santa Claus! You're all right! I...I thought you wereSANTA Well, when Voldar 'accidentally' left us in the airlock and then came up here and 'accidentally' threw the door switch, we knew we had to get out of there in a hurry, or that would be the end of us, uh, 'accidentally,' of course. BILLY So he crawled out through the air duct! VOLDAR The air duct? KIMAR But the air duct is just a little...and you're so big! [SANTA AND THE CHILDREN LAUGH] SANTA Well you're talking to Santa Claus, son. KIMAR But how - SANTA Well now you wouldn't want me to tell my secret, would you? [SANTA AND THE CHILDREN LAUGH AGAIN AS VOLDAR COLLAPSES ON THE FLOOR] SANTA Oh, oh, poor man. He's fainted, just like someone who's seen a ghost. [SANTA AND THE CHILDREN LAUGH AGAIN. WE SEE THE SPACESHIP APPROACH MARS] --- INTERIOR, SPACESHIP CONTROL ROOM --- KIMAR Begin landing operations. RIGNA Firing retro rockets one and two - fire! KIMAR Lower landing legs. [RIGNA PULLS THE LEVELS TO LOWER THE LEGS] KIMAR Rigna, after we secure the ship and lower the ladder, you and Hargo get Voldar out of the brig and take him to the council room. He'll stand trial immediately. RIGNA Right, chief. We've landed. KIMAR Hatch open. HARGO Hatch open! RIGNA Ladder down. KIMAR Power off. Ship secure. --- INTERIOR, SPACESHIP CELL --- [RIGNA AND HARGO ENTER. THERE IS SOMEONE LYING ON THE COT. THEY ARE BOTH SINGING] RIGNA & HARGO [TOGETHER] Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way! [THEIR SINGING AWAKENS THE MAN ON THE BED] RIGNA & HARGO [TOGETHER] Oh what fun it is to ride on a one horse, open sleigh! RIGNA Ah, Merry Christmas, Voldar! Alright on your feet, come on. [THE MAN ON THE BED TURNS OVER. IT IS DROPO, BOUND AND GAGGED. HE PROTESTS THROUGH HIS GAG] HARGO Dropo! [KIMAR TAKES OFF THE GAG] DROPO I was handing these big pills through the bars, and he grabbed my - RIGNA Shut up, Dropo! [RIGNA TOUCHES A SWITCH ON HIS BELT] RIGNA Kimar! Come in quickly! Kimar! --- INTERIOR, SPACESHIP CONTROL ROOM --- KIMAR Yes, Rigna? RIGNA (VOICE ON RADIO) Voldar has escaped. KIMAR What? RIGNA He's gone. KIMAR That can only mean trouble. Put a constant guard on Santa and the Earth children. Voldar will be back. [KIMAR EXITS] --- INTERIOR, MARTIAN HOME --- [LADY MOMAR WALKS AROUND THE HOME, ADJUSTING DIALS AND SETTINGS. BOMAR AND GIRMAR ENTER] BOMAR Mother? Is Father here yet? MOMAR No, Bomar, I'll call you the moment he arrives. GIRMAR Is Dropo coming back too? MOMAR Yes, Girmar, now go back to your studies. [THE CHILDREN EXIT. MOMAR SIGHS. KIMAR ENTERS] MOMAR Oh Kimar! [THEY HEADBUTT EACH OTHER AFFECTIONATELY] MOMAR Are you alone? KIMAR No. [DROPO ENTERS WITH BETTY AND BILLY] KIMAR Earthlings. Billy and Betty. MOMAR Welcome to our home. [SHE HEADBUTTS EACH OF THE CHILDREN] DROPO There's someone else too! Come on! Come on in! [SANTA ENTERS, CHUCKLING AS ALWAYS] SANTA Lady Momar. I'm not accustomed to entering people's homes through the door. But you have no chimney! MOMAR Welcome Santa Claus. We hope you'll make the children on Mars very happy. SANTA I'll try, dear lady. I'll try. [SANTA PATS HER HAND] SANTA There, there. Where are they? KIMAR Well, we'll start with my youngsters. How are they, Momar? MOMAR The same: quiet, remote, and very unhappy. They're inside, studying. SANTA Well, let old Santa say hello to them! And I'm sure these children would like to meet them! KIMA I'll tell them you're here. --- INTERIOR, CHILDREN'S ROOM --- [BOMAR IS LISTENING TO A ROBOTIC VOICE RECITE EQUATIONS] VOICE Y over five-Pi-R squared to determine the correct orbit from Mars to Jupiter traveling along vector A through the seventeenth quadrant at the power of twelve megatrons. [KIMAR ENTERS] GIRMAR Father! Father, we missed you! KIMAR Ah, I missed you too! [HE HEADBUTTS BOTH OF THEM] KIMAR Children, I brought some visitors from Earth. Will you come in please, children? [BETTY AND BILLY ENTER] KIMAR Billy and Betty, this is Bomar and Girmar. [BILLY EXTENDS HIS HAND TO BOMAR] BILLY Hi. [BOMAR AND GIRMAR EXAMINE HIS OUTSTRETCHED HAND] BOMAR There's nothing in it! What are you giving me? BILLY My hand! To shake. [BOMAR RELUCTANTLY SHAKES BILLY'S HAND, THEN SMILES] BOMAR How old are you? BILLY Ten. BOMAR I'm ten too. And Girmar's eight. BILLY So's my sister. KIMAR We have another Earth person that wants to see you. [SANTA ENTERS, CHUCKLING. HE LAUGHS AND LOOKS AT THE CHILDREN. SOON THEY START LAUGHING, AND THEN EVERYONE IS LAUGHING TOGETHER. TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH, IT'S KIND OF CREEPY] --- INTERIOR, MARTIAN HOME --- [KIMAR, MOMAR, AND DROPO ARE LISTENING TO THE SOUND OF DERANGED LAUGHTER IN THE NEXT ROOM] DROPO What's that? KIMAR They're laughing. Bomar and Girmar too. MOMAR They've never laughed before! KIMAR Come! [THE DOOR OPENS AND KIMAR AND MOMAR HEAD INTO THE ROOM] --- FADE OUT. DISSOLVE TO INTERIOR, MARTIAN HOME --- [SANTA, MOMAR, AND KIMAR TIPTOE OUT OF THE CHILDREN'S ROOM] MOMAR I can't believe it. That's the first time in months they've gone to sleep without the sleep spray. KIMAR Santa, tomorrow we'll set up a workshop for you. It won't be exactly the same as the one you have on Earth, but I'm sure it'll serve your purpose. SANTA Good, good. Now, I'd like to get going and have the toy shop operating full blast so I can return to Earth for Christmas. You know, Mrs. Claus is a very good-natured woman, but IKIMAR Santa Claus. You will never return to Earth. [IT FINALLY DAWNS ON SANTA] KIMAR Now you belong to Mars. SANTA [SARCASTICALLY] Ho, ho ho! --- INTERIOR, VOLDAR'S CAVE --- [STOBO IS WARMING HIS HANDS BY A FIRE WHILE VOLDAR PACES] VOLDAR Me, Voldar! Hiding in a dirty cave like a speckled Mars worm! Oh, Kimar will get this - I'll find a way! STOBO That's easy! Let's get rid of the little fat friend in the red suit. VOLDAR Fool! That's suicide! Santa Claus is under constant guard. We couldn't get within twenty feet of him without being disintegrated. But I have other plans. [A SIREN SOUNDS] STOBO Someone's approaching the cave! KIMAR Who? SHIM It's me, Shim! VOLDAR Alright. Turn off the nuclear curtain. [STOBO FLIPS A SWITCH] VOLDAR Alright Shim, enter. [SHIM ENTERS AND VOLDAR GRABS HIM] VOLDAR What'd you find out?! SHIM The toy shop is operating full blast. No one suspects me, so I sneak down and took a good long look. It's nothing like the one on Earth - no one is sawing or hammering. Kimar has built a mechanized assembly line for the old man. Toys are rolling off by the second! This planet will be flooded with toys! [VOLDAR LETS GO OF HIM IN DISGUST] SHIM Ya know, they got one little toy, it's the cutest thing. It's just a coiled spring, and it goes down steps all by itself. I was tempted to steal one - I'd like to fool around with the thing- [VOLDAR HITS HIM] VOLDAR Toys! The decay is setting in! It's even affecting you! Soon all of Martians will be blithering idiots. Oh we've no time to lose. We must go into action! Now we cannot eliminate Santa Claus, but we can discredit him. Make him a laughingstock throughout Mars. [VOLDAR PULLS THE OTHER TWO INTO A HUDDLE] VOLDAR Come on. Now listen carefully The workshop closes at ten o'clock. The guards will be at Kimar's house, guarding Santa Claus. Now this is what we'll do, see? [THEY BEGIN TO WHISPER AS WE CUT TO:] --- INTERIOR, SANTA'S MARTIAN WORKSHOP --- [THE ROOM HAS A GIGANTIC TOY-MAKING MACHINE. BILLY, BOMAR, & GIRMAR ARE ALL FILLING BASKETS OF TOYS FROM A CONVEYOR BELT, REGARDLESS OF CHILD LABOR LAWS. DROPO ENTERS] DROPO Hi Billy! Everything okay? BILLY Gee Dropo, everything's great! DROPO Oh, Santa! [SANTA SITS IN FRONT OF A LARGE COMPUTER PANEL, WITH BETTY HELPING HIM] DROPO Hundreds and thousands of letters from all over Mars! SANTA Well of course! [BETTY READS FROM A LETTER] BETTY Two dolls. SANTA Two dolls, yes Betty. [SANTA PUSHES A BUTTON AND TWO DOLLS EMERGE FROM THE MACHINE] BETTY Three baseball bats. SANTA Three baseball bats. [THE BATS EMERGE FROM THE MACHINE. SANTA APPEARS GLUM] SANTA Look at me: Santa Claus, the great toymaker, pressing buttons. That's automation for you. Technology - yeesh. Well, that's enough for today. Let's close up shop! [SANTA SHUTS DOWN THE MACHINE AND THE CHILDREN AND DROPO CHATTER EXCITEDLY. SANTA PICKS UP A NEW SANTA SUIT THAT DROPO IS ADMIRING] SANTA Pretty nice, eh? Lady Momar made it for me! DROPO Can I try it on, Santa? SANTA [LAUGHS] Don't be silly, Dropo. This would never fit you! Why, you have to fatten up first! [SANTA AND THE CHILDREN LAUGH AS THEY ALL EXIT] --- INTERIOR, MARTIAN HOME --- [KIMAR AND BOMAR ARE EXAMINING SOME OF SANTA'S TOYS AS SANTA AND THE CHILDREN ENTER] SANTA Yes, well, there's another day gone, children. As they say on Earth, another day, another dollar. KIMAR Well, hello Santa! How are you feeling today? Tired? SANTA No, no, I'm not tired. But my finger is! It's been pressing buttons all day long. [LAUGHS FEEBLY] Well, I think I'll go in and put my finger to bed. [SANTA EXITS. MOMAR HANDS THE CHILDREN SOME PILLS] MOMAR Here children, here's your milk. You can play for half an hour and then you have to go to bed. GIRMAR Daddy, may we watch the Earth program? KIMAR Certainly dear, but only for half an hour! [BOMAR AND GIRMAR RUN OFF. BILLY AND BETTY LOOK DEJECTED] KIMAR Billy? Betty? Don't you want to watch the Earth program? BILLY Oh no, sir. We're not interested in Earth programs. I'm going to sleep, good night. BETTY Me too. KIMAR Just a moment - BETTY Goodnight Mr. Kimar. Goodnight Lady Momar. KIMAR Just a moment, children. Are you feeling well? BILLY Oh we feel fine, sir. Goodnight. BETTY Goodnight. KIMAR Has someone been...mistreating you? BILLY Oh no, sir. You and Lady Momar have just been swell to us. Goodnight. [THE CHILDREN EXIT] KIMAR What could it be, Momar? They're behaving the way our children used to behave. MOMAR Can't you tell, Kimar? They're homesick. They miss their parents, their friends - Kimar, you've got to send those children back! KIMAR Impossible. --- INTERIOR, DROPO'S ROOM --- [DROPO IS TRYING ON THE SANTA SUIT, WHICH IS TOO BIG FOR HIM] DROPO Santa says I gotta fatten up. [DROPO NOTICES SOME FOOD PILLS, AND EATS THEM WITH ABANDON] DROPO Malted milk! Chocolate cake! Banana split - with whipped cream! [HE CHECKS HIMSELF IN THE MIRROR AGAIN AND IS DISAPPOINTED] DROPO That takes too long. [DROPO GRABS A PILLOW AND STUFFS IT IN THE SANTA SUIT. HE ATTACHES A FAKE BEARD AND PUTS ON A SANTA HAT OVER HIS ANTENNAE] DROPO Oh! Now I'm Santa Claus! Ho ho ho! Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas everyone! Ho ho ho! My finger isn't tired! I think I'll go down to the workshop and make some more toys! Ho ho ho! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way! [HE EXITS] --- INTERIOR, SANTA'S WORKSHOP --- [VOLDAR, SHIM, & STOBO ENTER WITH FLASHLIGHTS] VOLDAR Here it is! [SHIM DROPS SOME TOOLS] VOLDAR Shhh! [STOBO DROPS HIS BAG ON VOLDAR'S FOOT. COMEDY ENSUES] VOLDAR Shim, hold the light. Hold the light! [VOLDAR HITS HIM AND SHIM TAKES THE LIGHT. VOLDAR OPENS THE CONTROL PANEL AND CUTS WIRES WITH ABANDON] VOLDAR Ah, this is gonna shake 'em up. These toys'll never be the same again! [HE SLAMS THE PANEL CLOSED] VOLDAR Shh! STOBO Shh! SHIM Shh! VOLDAR SHH!!! Someone's coming! Quick, down! [THE THREE HIDE AS DROPO, DRESSED AS SANTA, ENTERS] DROPO Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way! Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh! VOLDAR What a break! It's Santa Claus! SHIM He's alone. No guards. [VOLDAR GRABS A RAY GUN AND THE THREE RUSH DROPO] DROPO Ho...ho...oh! --- INTERIOR, VOLDAR'S CAVE --- [VOLDAR, SHIM, AND STOBO ENTER WITH DROPO, WHO IS TERRIFIED] VOLDAR Now stay put, my fat little friend! [STOBO SHOWS SANTA HIS RAY GUN] STOBO Hey Santa! How do you like this toy? [LAUGHS] DROPO Ho, ho, ho. SHIM My friend asked ya a question - answer him! DROPO Ho, ho, ho! VOLDAR Quiet, Shim! Put on the nuclear curtain. Tomorrow marks the end of Operation Santa Claus, and Mars returns to normal! [VOLDAR, SHIM, AND STOBO LAUGH] --- INTERIOR, MARTIAN HOME --- MOMAR Dropo? Dropo, you rascal, where are you? Dropo! Oh! [MOMA KNOCKS ON THE CHILDREN'S DOOR] MOMAR Children, breakfast is ready. KIMAR Good morning, dear. MOMAR Kimar, I can't find Dropo. His bed hasn't been slept in. KIMAR What's he up to now? [SANTA ENTERS] SANTA Good morning! Good morning, Lady Momar. Oh, oh my extra suit - the one you made for me - is missing. I'm sure I brought it home from the toy shop last night. KIMAR That's two things that are missing: your suit and Dropo. SANTA What? Oh...ohh! That explains it. When you find my missing suit, you'll find Dropo inside it. He's out someplace playing Santa Claus. KIMAR I'll take care of him. SANTA Oh no, now, let him have his fun. He's probably at the toy shop making toys. - he loves it! MOMAR Children, will you please hurry! Breakfast is ready! [SANTA PICKS UP A VIAL OF FOOD PILLS] SANTA Yes, yes, if you don't hurry, your breakfast will get cold. [LAUGHS] --- INTERIOR, SANTA'S MARTIAN WORKSHOP --- [SANTA AND THE CHILDREN ENTER] SANTA Dropo? We're here! GIRMAR He's hiding, Santa! SANTA Oh, playing hide and seek, eh? All right Dropo, here we come, ready or not! [THE CHILDREN LOOK FOR DROPO] BILLY He's not here, Santa! SANTA That's funny. Oh well, he'll turn up. Let's get started! [SANTA TURNS THE MACHINE ON AND THE CHILDREN TAKE THEIR PLACES] SANTA Okay Betty, okay. Let's go. BETTY One teddy bear and one doll. SANTA One teddy bear and one doll! [THE MACHINE PRODUCES A DOLL WITH A BEAR'S BODY AND A DOLL WITH A BEAR'S HEAD. IT IS UPSETTING] BOMAR Santa, stop the machine! Look! GIRMAR The doll has a teddy bear's head, and the teddy bear has a doll's head! SANTA I can't understand it! Let's try it again. What's next, Betty? BETTY One baseball bat [THE MACHINE PRODUCES A BASEBALL BAT WITH A TENNIS RACKET ATTACHED] SANTA A baseball tennis racket? Why this'll never do! The machine isn't working right! Oh dear, what else, Betty? BETTY A toy train. SANTA A toy train. Well all righty. [THE MACHINE PRODUCES A TRAIN/CAR HYBRID, WHICH BOMAR BRINGS TO SANTA] BOMAR Look at that! SANTA Why this doesn't make sense! Well, this never happened when we made toys by hand! Something very strange is happening here. Bomar, I think you'd better call your father. [BOMAR USES HIS BELT RADIO] BOMAR Father? Father, this is Bomar. KIMAR (VOICE) Yes Bomar? BOMAR Father, we're in the toy shop. Dropo isn't here and there's something wrong with the toy machine too! KIMAR (VOICE) I'll be right over! --- INTERIOR, VOLDAR'S CAVE --- [DROPO IS COWERING IN THE SANTA SUIT AS VOLDAR ENTERS] VOLDAR It's time to go. Shim, wake up! [HE THUMPS SHIM ON THE HEAD] SHIM I still think you're making a mistake. It's too dangerous, walking right into the enemy camp! VOLDAR Kimar or his men wouldn't dare lay a finger on us - not while we're keeping Santa Claus a hostage! Now if we're not back in three hours, you know what to do. All right Shim, open the nuclear curtain. [SHIM FLIPS A SWITCH AND A LIGHT ON THE PANEL CHANGES FROM RED TO GREEN. VOLDAR AND STOBO EXIT. SHIM SWITCHES IT BACK TO RED] SHIM Just a word of warning: if you got any big ideas, forget 'em! If you walk through that nuclear curtain, you'll be disintegrated like [SNAPS FINGERS] that! [SHIM WALKS AWAY. DROPO SNEAKS OVER TO THE CONTROL PANEL] --- INTERIOR, SANTA'S MARTIAN WORKSHOP --- [KIMAR EXAMINES THE MACHINE'S INNARDS] KIMAR Sabotage! Somebody switched all the wiring. Dropo's gone, your suit is missing, and now this machine's been sabotaged. Put them all together, it spells Voldar! SANTA He was here, and he thought Dropo was me. KIMAR He's got Dropo. And I'm going to find him. SANTA Poor Dropo. --- INTERIOR, HALLWAY --- [KIMAR EXITS AND RUNS INTO STOBO & VOLDAR] VOLDAR Surprised to see us? KIMAR You're under arrest, Voldar! [VOLDAR & STOBO LAUGH] VOLDAR Stop playing with toys. Put it away, Kimar! We have a weapon that's much more potent than that! As you may know, we are holding Santa Claus a hostage! One false move, and your little ho-ho-ho man will be destroyed! [SHIM LAUGHS] KIMAR Alright, what do you want, Voldar? VOLDAR These are our terms. First: Destroy the toy machine. Second: we will release Santa Claus if you promise to send him and the earthlings back to their planet. Third: no more 'joy through toys' nonsense on Mars. Well? KIMAR Well, you win. [VOLDAR AND STOBO SHAKE HANDS] KIMAR Are you sure you have Santa Claus? VOLDAR You know we have him. KIMAR You mean you had him! [KIMAR OPENS THE DOOR TO THE WORKSHOP. VOLDAR & STOBO LOOK INSIDE] STOBO How did he get out of the cave? VOLDAR Shim, that idiot! STOBO And how'd he get here so fast? KIMAR Santa Claus has powers that you don't know about. All right, arms up! [VOLDAR & STOBO RAISE THEIR HANDS WHILE KIMAR USES HIS RADIO BELT] KIMAR Rigna, Hargo, Lomas, report! RIGNA (VOICE) This is Rigna, Kimar. Hargo and Lomas are with me. KIMAR Good! I've got Voldar and Stobo. I'll keep them here in the storeroom of the toyshop. Rigna, you come here and take them off my hands. I want Hargo and Lomas to look for a man named Shim. Tell them to search the caves along the Transverse Canal. RIGNA (VOICE) Right, Kimar. KIMAR All right you two - in there! [VOLDAR AND SHIM WALK INTO THE STOREROOM] KIMAR Alright, you might as well relax! You're going to be here for a while, sit down. --- INTERIOR, VOLDAR'S CAVE --- [WHILE SHIM ISN"T LOOKING, DROPO TURNS OFF THE NUCLEAR CURTAIN AND SWITCHES THE LIGHT BULBS, SO IT SHOWS RED. DROPO RUNS TO THE EXIT] SHIM Where are you going? DROPO Ho, ho, ho! SHIM Can't you say anything else but 'Ho Ho Ho'? DROPO Ho, ho, ho! SHIM If you're thinking of leaving, Santa, let me remind you: once you hit that nuclear curtain, there won't even be a whisker left! DROPO Ho, ho, ho!!! [DROPO RUNS OUT OF THE CAVE] SHIM Hey, Santa, be careful! [SHIM LOOKS AT THE NUCLEAR CURTAIN CONTROL PANEL, CONFUSED] --- INTERIOR, STOREROOM --- VOLDAR What are you going to do with us? KIMAR You're going to stand trial before the council! I don't think you'll be causing any more trouble! [VOLDAR HITS A BOARD WHICH FLIES INTO KIMAR'S FACE. THERE IS A BRIEF FIGHT AND KIMAR IS KNOCKED OUT] --- INTERIOR, SANTA'S MARTIAN WORKSHOP --- [SANTA IS TINKERING WITH THE TOY MAKING MACHINE] SANTA Well now, I think that should do it, Billy boy. Close the door, son. Now, I think we need a little red paint, and you'll find it in the storeroom. BILLY Sure, Santa. SANTA Yes. That's a good boy. [BILLY WALKS TO THE STOREROOM AND STOPS. HE OVERHEARS VOLDAR TALKING] VOLDAR This time I'll take care of Santa Claus for good, and smash that machine! [BILLY RUNS BACK TO THE WORKSHOP] BILLY Santa! Santa! Voldar and another man are in the storeroom and they're coming to get you! SANTA Oh they are, are they? Well, maybe they'd like to have some fun with our toys, and we'll see that they do - won't we, kids? [THE CHILDREN THEY HUDDLE AROUND SANTA AS HE WHISPERS A PLAN] --- DISSOLVE TO: INTERIOR, SANTA'S MARTIAN WORKSHOP --- [SANTA IS SITTING WITH HIS PIPE WHEN VOLDAR ENTERS] SANTA Oh ho! We meet again, eh? VOLDAR I don't know how you escaped Shim, but you won't escape me! You're through! SANTA Voldar, why don't you, uh, relax? [VOLDAR COCKS HIS RAY GUN] VOLDAR You're going to relax, permanently! [A JET OF WATER HITS VOLDAR IN THE FACE. THE KIDS ATTACK VOLDAR WITH SQUIRT GUNS, BUBBLE MAKERS, PING PONG BALL GUNS, BALLS, TOY AIRPLANES, ETC. VOLDAR IS CONFUSED AND TRIES TO FIGHT THEM OFF. SANTA, LAUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY, DOES LITTLE TO HELP. VOLDAR IS SOMEHOW INTIMIDATED BY CHILDREN'S TOYS, WHILE STOBO HIDES IN THE HALLWAY. DROPO, DRESSED AS SANTA, RUNS INTO STOBO] STOBO You! But you're not here! You're in there! DROPO Oh, yeah, you're right! I'm not here - I'm in there! STOBO Wait a minute - I'm gonna see who Voldar's fighting in there! [STOBO LOOKS IN AND GETS A PING PONG BALL IN THE MOUTH] DROPO What happened? STOBO I don't know what's going on in there, but I'm gonna take care of you myself! [KIMAR EMERGES FROM THE STOREROOM] DROPO Now just a minute, I'd like to talk to - [KIMAR GRABS THE RAY GUN FROM STOBO] DROPO Oh boy, Chief, am I glad to see you! KIMAR Alright, inside Stobo. [THEY ENTER THE WORKSHOP, WHERE TOYS ARE STILL FLYING AROUND] KIMAR Alright kids, you can stop now! I said cease fire! [THE CHILDREN STOP] KIMAR Alright Rigna, take them away - they've had a rough day. [RIGNA LEADS VOLDAR AND STOBO OUT OF THE ROOM] DROPO Ho, ho, ho, everybody! Merry Christmas! [EVERYONE LAUGHS AS SANTA HUGS DROPO] SANTA You don't need me here, Kimar. You've got a wonderful Santa Claus of your own! DROPO Ho, ho, ho! [MORE LAUGHING AS THE SCENE ENDS] --- INTERIOR, MARTIAN HOME --- [THE MARTIAN FAMILY, SANTA, AND CHILDREN SAY GOODBYE] MOMAR Goodbye, Billy. BILLY Goodbye. MOMAR Goodbye, Betty dear. You take care of yourself. BETTY Bye. BOMAR I've got something for you, Billy. [BOMAR HANDS HIM A GIFT] BILLY Gee thanks! BOMAR Goodbye! BILLY Bye. Gee we had fun! GIRMAR We're going to miss you. BETTY Do you think we'll ever meet again? MOMAR I'm sure you will, children. Thank you, Santa, for bringing happiness to the children of Mars. KIMAR And the Christmas spirit to all of us. SANTA Son, from the bottom of my heart, I wish you, and yours, the very best of everything. [DROPO, NEEDING ATTENTION, ENTERS. HE HAS AN ENORMOUS STOMACH] DROPO Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas, everybody! Dropo Claus is here! Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas! MOMAR Dropo, you've put on weight! [SANTA LAUGHS] DROPO Oh, yes! No pillows, look! [KIMAR PUNCTURES THE BALLOON UNDER DROPO'S SUIT. EVERYONE LAUGHS] SANTA Now, if we hurry, we can get back in time for Christmas Eve. BILLY & BETTY Yay! SANTA Shall we get going?! BILLY & BETTY Yay! SANTA Goodbye, dear friends. Away! Merry Christmas! Away! [SANTA, BILLY, & BETTY EXIT] KIMAR Bye, Santa Claus! [THE MARTIAN SHIP HEADS BACK TO EARTH, AS 'HOORAY FOR SANTY CLAUS' PLAYS] Hang up that mistletoe Soon you'll hear Ho! Ho! Ho! On Christmas Day You'll wake up and you'll say Hooray for Santy Claus! S-A-N-T-A C-L-A-U-S Hooray for Santy Claus! THE END

Pop Culture Connections - Outgoing

It plays these songs...

Hooray for Santy Claus
performed by Pia Zadora

This Song is played in Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

It refers to these movies...

The Day the Earth Stood Still

  • Date:
  • Type: Movie
This Movie is referred to by Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
"Torg" (Martian robot) is an anagram of "Gort" from "The Day the Earth Stood Still"
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Pop Culture Connections - Incoming

It is shown on these television episodes...

It is referred to by these television episodes...

It is shown on these movies...

A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All!

  • Date:
  • Type: Movie
This Movie shows Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Scenes from this film are shown during the Toby Keith song
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It is referred to by these movies...

Eloise at Christmastime

  • Date:
  • Type: Movie
This Movie refers to Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
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Other Connections and Related Pop Culture