Boogie Oogie Oogie
performed by A Taste of Honey

Willard is an overworked, underpaid chauffeur who works for a mean-spirited pie heiress named Mrs. Crock, just as his father did before him. All Willard wants for Christmas is a new uniform, as the one he currently wears is the one his father was buried in, but Crock gives him a cheap pair of cuff links and a pie instead, while lavishing expensive gifts on her business partner Chip Oswald and her prized dog Muffin. Finally fed up with being mistreated, Willard and his friend, local chicken restaurant owner Rusty, concoct a scheme to kidnap the dog and hold it for a $1,000,000 ransom. Muffin attacks him, leaving a great deal of destruction and Willard's blood at the scene, and the plan fails when the dog later escapes.

Chilean drug chemist Cockroach brings his product to Colombian smuggler Pablo Escobar. DEA agent Steve Murphy joins the war on drugs in Bogota.

While Doug is taking a driving test, he runs into Ray Barone (Ray Romano). Ray seems to have trouble with a few of the questions, and asks Doug for the answers. Doug is caught by the instructor, and loses his license. Ray makes it up to Doug by taking him to a New York Jets football game. Ray's brother Robert (Brad Garrett) goes with them. After the game, Ray lets Doug drive, and Robert finds out that Doug does not have a license. Robert, being a cop, tells Doug to pull over. With no license and suspended from his delivery job, Doug tries to help Carrie study by playing with Arthur. Finally, Doug passes his drivers test only to have met Ray's father (Frank)(Peter Boyle) who happens to crash into Doug's car outside the DMV.

Earl has wrecked every Christmas he's spent with Joy, so he, Randy and Catalina try to win a Dodge Neon in a contest wherein they had to keep their hands on said car, in an attempt to get Joy the car for a Christmas present. Earl is eliminated when he goes to shake hands with Randy, so it's up to Catalina and Randy to win the car. Earl decides to correct his mistake of wrecking Dodge's and Earl Jr.'s Christmas one year in the meantime. He then finds out that Joy never told her parents that she and Earl were no longer married, and lied about his absence by saying he was serving in Iraq. She explains to Earl that her father is a racist and would freak if he knew she were married to Darnell. Joy's mother has also been struck with rheumatoid arthritis and kidney failure, and needs dialysis and is in a wheelchair. Earl finds out that this is a lie; she has been gambling away the "dialysis" money at an Indian casino. Earl has much work to do if he wants this Christmas to go well.