"Down and Dirty with the Female Condom"

Voiceover, Dialog, Spoken Text, Script, or Lyrics

Hi. Welcome. I'm Amanda, author of nothing and star of nobody cares, here to give you some unsolicited advice about boning. Specifically, doing it responsibly. If you're like me, living the vag life, then you're not ready for a baby. And STI's just aren't cool anymore. Might I introduce, the female condom. But Amanda, it looks so big and baggy. My kitty is much too itty for that. Well listen, I don't doubt that you own the world's most petite pink canoe, but think about it. Your vagina's built to handle any from this, one of these, aww...yep. And if you're really lucky, one of these bad boys. So trust me. It's not too big for your little Debbie.  
But Amanda, how the f**k do you put it in? First you squeeze it. Then you squat. Or, raise one leg. Or whatever position's most comfortable for you. OK. Pew pew! Then you insert it, pushing it back as far as it will go. Now, don't get me wrong, it does take some practice. Like tampons, or male condoms. But once you get the hang of it, it's like having sex with a bike. That came out wrong. Once you have it in, hold the outer ring in place, dock that dong and get it on. Get 'er done! Get nasty! Get freaky. F**k. And for all you boner owners out there, the ring on the inside can stimulate your cute little head. Sorry, you're super strong and manly...little head. 
But Amanda, can I still have sex in my favorite positions? Uh doy! Cowgirl. Reverse cowgirl. The jackhammer! And my personal favorite, when you get your [bleep] as far as it'll go and you give her the old [bleep] and you [bleep] all the way down, and then you get that [bleep] . 
But Amanda, won't it fall out? Still in! Yep! Still in! Still in. Yep, still in! Still in. Yup, still in.  
But Amanda, doesn't it make noise? Yeah, it makes a noise. Sounds a little something like this. Oh yeah, baby, yeah! Give it to me! I need it! I need that! 
And that's that. The FC2 female condom. Looks weird and works great. Try it out! Come on, try it! Try it on for size. Try eeet! Try it like one time. Two times. OK, try it three times. Come on, all your friends are doing it! Have sex. With the condom.

Written Text

Female Condom 
Your vagina may vary 
Tweet @ me! 
Available By Prescription 
Ask Your Doctor Today! 
FC2 is covered with $0 co-pay by most insurance plans when prescribed by a physician.

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