"Don't Attend Your Own Funeral" 
This commercial begins with a guy who is bored waiting around for the cable guy to come hook up his cable service. As he sits in a chair and waits, he looks out the window and see two mob guys putting a dead body (wrapped in plastic) into the trunk of a car. They see him looking at them, and the guy immediately gets up and starts packing so they don't catch and kill him. He decides to fake his own death by blowing up a boat that he was on, but we see him swim up for air far away from the flaming boat. Later, he is in a public bathroom with a shower cap on while he is applying hair dye to his eye brows. Since he faked his own death, his family has a funeral for him, and he shows up with white hair, dyed eyebrows, a mustach, and glasses. 
The moral: If you use DirecTV, you'll never have to fake your own death.

Voiceover, Dialog, Spoken Text, Script, or Lyrics

When you wait forever for the cable guy, you get bored. 
When you get bored, you start staring out windows. 
When you start staring out windows, you see things you shouldn't see. 
When you see things you shouldn't see, you need to vanish. 
When you need to vanish, you fake your own death. 
When you fake your own death, you dye your eyebrows. 
And when you dye your eyebrows, you attend your own funeral as a guy named Phil Shifley. 
Don't attend your own funeral as a guy named Phil Shifley. 
Get rid of cable and upgrade to DirecTV.

Written Text

Get rid of cable - 1800-DIRECTV 
DirecTV, DirectTV, Direc TV, Direct TV 
fill, Phil, Phill, Shiffley, Shiffly, Shifley, Shifly, Shiphley, Shiphly, Shifflie, Shiflie, Shippley, Shipply, Shipley, Shiply, Shipplie, Shiplie

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