Ron Swanson Pyramid of Greatness

After a long break, Parks and Recreation returned for a third season last night. It featured Ron's 'Swanson Pyramid of Greatness' which contains the only life lessons a man will ever need. The pyramid is a comedic homage to 'The Pyramid of Success' created by UCLA's famed basketball coach, John Wooden.

Based on his love of capitalism, property rights, welfare, and taxes, we can safely assume that Ron Swanson is a die hard libertarian. Based on everything else, we know that he is a man's man.

Starting at the bottom left:

  • Frankness - Cut the B.S.
  • Capitalism - God's way of determining who is smart, and who is poor.
  • Facial Hair - Full, thick and square. Nothing sculped. If you have to sculpt it, that probably means you can't grow it.
  • Living in the Woods - Live off the land.
  • Rage - One rage every three months is permitted. Try not to hurt anyone who doesn't deserve it.
  • Security - Secure the land.
  • Poise - Sting like a bee. Do not float like a butterfly. That's ridiculous.
  • Handshakes - Firm, Dry, Solid. 3 seconds.
  • Body Grooming - Only women shave beneath the neck.
  • Friends - One to three is sufficient
  • Property Rights - They exist. Do not let them be taken away from you.
  • Masonry - Building walls makes you strong. Defending them makes you even stronger.
  • Cabins - A place to rest that is made of logs.
  • Perspiration - Only sweat during physical activity or love making. No emotional sweating.
  • You - You are your biggest ally.
  • Crying - Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon
  • Physical Fitness
  • Intensity - Give 100%. 110% is impossible. Only idiots recommend that.
  • Torso - Should be thick and impenetrable.
  • Old Wooden Sailing Ships - They're beautiful.
  • B.O. - Cultivating a manly musk puts your opponents on notice.
  • Stillness - Don't waste energy moving unless necessary.
  • Skim Milk - Avoid it.
  • Cursing - There's only one bad word: Taxes. If any other word is good enough for sailers, it's good enough for you.
  • Cow Protein
  • Pig Protein
  • Chicken Protein
  • Romantic Love
  • Deer Protein
  • Fish (Sport Only!)
  • Discipline - The ability to repeat a boring thing over and over again.
  • Attire - Shorts over 6" are capri pants. Shorts under 6" are European.
  • Self-Reliance - Trust yourself.
  • Suspicion - Do not trust anyone else.
  • Skim Milk - That's right. It's on here twice. Avoid it.
  • Teamwork - Work together as if your life depended on it... IT DOES!
  • Selfishness - Take what's yours.
  • Haircuts - 3 acceptable styles: High and Tight, Crew Cut & Buzz Cut.
  • Greatness Itself - The best revenge.
  • Weapons
  • Wood Working
  • Welfare Avoidance
  • America - The only country that matters. If you want to experience other "cultures," use an atlas or a ham radio.
  • Buffets - Whenever available. Choose quantity over quality.
  • Honor - If you need it defined, you don't have it.

Which one is your favorite?