A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All!

The story involves the denizens of the planet Mars, including Momar ("Mom Martian") and Kimar ("King Martian") who are worried that their children Girmar ("Girl Martian") and Bomar ("Boy Martian") are watching too much Earth television, most notably station KID's interview with Santa Claus in his workshop at the North Pole. Consulting the ancient 800-year old Martian sage Chochem, they are advised that the children of Mars are growing distracted due to the society's overly rigid structure; from infancy, all their education is fed into their brains through machines, and they are not allowed individuality or freedom of thought. Chochem sadly notes that he had seen this coming "for centuries", and states that the only way to help the children is to allow them to have freedom, to be allowed to have fun. To do this, they need a Santa Claus figure, like on Earth. Leaving the sage's dwelling, the Martian leaders decide to kidnap Santa Claus from Earth and bring him to Mars to make toys for the children of their planet. --- Santa Claus Claus Conquers the Martians Screenplay by Glenville Martin Based on a story by Paul L. Jacobson From the 1964 film --- INTERIOR, MARTIAN HOME --- [WE SEE A NEWSCASTER TALKING ON A TV SCREEN] KID TV ANNOUNCER At this time, station KID TV brings you the special event of the year, a first in television history. At this very moment, KID TV has standing by a television crew at Santa Claus' workshop. [THE CAMERA BEGINS TO PAN AWAY FROM THE TV] KID TV ANNOUNCER And in just a few seconds, our special correspondent Andy Henderson will bring you a person to person interview with Santa Claus himself, direct from the North Pole, where at the moment, the temperature is 91 degrees below zero. [THE CAMERA REVEALS TWO MARTIAN CHILDREN WATCHING TV, BOMAR and GIRMAR] KID TV ANNOUNCER And now KID TV takes you via Telstar, Andy Henderson at the North Pole. --- EXTERIOR, NORTH POLE --- [HENDERSON HOLDS A MICROPHONE AND STANDS IN FRONT OF SANTA'S WORKSHOP. HE IS SHIVERING] HENDERSON Hi kids! This is Andy Henderson, at the North Pole! Whoo, it's cold up here! From this spot, there's only one direction you can go, and that's south! [LAUGHS] Livin' up here is pretty rough - I don't see how Santa stands it. Since we've been here, we've eaten nothing but frozen food - at least that's the way it is by the time we get it! [LAUGHS] And now, let's take a looksie into Santa's workshop! --- INTERIOR, SANTA'S WORKSHOP --- [HENDERSON ENTERS THE WORKSHOP, WHERE NUMEROUS ELVES ARE SITTING AT TABLES MAKING TOYS] HENDERSON Hello again! Boys and girls, it's just weeks before Christmas and Santa and his helpers are working overtime to make sure that there's enough toys for the kids all over the world. Santa's a pretty busy man, but I'm sure he'd like to say a few words to you kids. [HENDERSON APPROACHES SANTA] HENDERSON Hello, Santa! SANTA Oh, hello, son. [NOTICES THE CAMERA] Oh, oh! Oh, hello boys and girls! [LAUGHS] Oh Andy, you've caught me at a very busy time. HENDERSON Well, uh, do you think you'll be ready by Christmas Eve? SANTA Well we've never disappointed the kids yet! [THEY BOTH LAUGH. THERE IS A LOT OF LAUGHING IN THIS MOVIE] HENDERSON Tell me is it true that this year, there's a rumor that you're going to use a rocket sled? SANTA Nosiree! We're going out the good old-fashioned way, with my reindeer Prancer and Dancer and Dunder and Blitzen and Vixen and Nixon, uh - Nixon, now where did I get that - well, consarn it, I get those named mixed up, but the kids know their names! [MRS. CLAUS ENTERS. SHE DOES NOT NOTICE THE TV CAMERA] MRS. CLAUS Santa! There you are! We have so much to do! And you stand here dawdling, talking to this visitor. SANTA Mr. Henderson, this is Mrs. Claus. [TO MRS CLAUS] Oh, dear, we're on television. MRS. CLAUS How do you do, Mr. Henderson? HENDERSON [NODS] Ma'am. MRS. CLAUS Now dear, I want you to go and finish painting those hobby-horses! [MRS. CLAUS NOTICES THE CAMERA] MRS. CLAUS Television? Did you say we'

The Colbert Report is a Peabody Award and Emmy Award winning American satirical television program that airs from 11:30 p.m. to 12:00 midnight Eastern Time Zone (North America) each Monday through Thursday on Comedy Central in the United States and on both The Comedy Network and CTV in Canada. It stars political humorist Stephen Colbert, a former correspondent for The Daily Show. The Colbert Report is a spin-off of and counterpart to The Daily Show which, like The Daily Show, critiques politics and the media. It satirizes personality-driven political pundit programs, particularly Fox News' The O'Reilly Factor. The show focuses on a fictional anchorman character named Stephen Colbert, played by his real-life namesake. The character, described by Colbert as a "well-intentioned, poorly informed, high-status idiot", is a caricature of televised political pundits.